I struggled hard last fall. I came down off the highest of highs after racing Speedgoat and somehow dragged my way through another ultramathon at La Harricana, a 60km race in Quebec. Actually, let’s not even call that a race, that was a MUD PIT.
I had already noticed that my mood had taken a sharp drop in early September going into Harricana, but I just brushed that off to fatigue from racing in the mountains in July at Speedgoat 50km. I spent the majority of the time in Quebec wishing I had not signed up for this and wanted to Just. Go. Home. Now the post race blues have been getting me every fall since I started ultramarathons. I’m not sure if it’s the sheer scale of these races and their preparation, or rather the loss of such a meaningful goal as the season wraps up. Either way, the fall has been a struggle. So much so that I promised myself this 2024 year I would not put an official race on the calendar past August.
I stayed in this funk for several months until a family member needed testing to rule out a rare autoimmune disorder. Now this scared me, as I know enough in the medical field to understand that I definitely have components of hypermobility. Which usually conincides with autoimmune disorders among other strange symptoms like a chronic low grade fever that I have had since childhood. As if i wasn’t hot enough! If they were to test positive, that would be a drastically shortened life span – 60 years old before quality of life seriously dipped. Now, that scared me. I’m already in my early 30’s and there was so much life I wanted to live. In the end, that diagnosis was cleared but, it left me with a new found outlook on life.
It was decided, from there on I would live life to the fullest, yes a cliche, but, aren’t they cliche’s for a reason? My philosophy going foward would be to do things that LIGHT A FIRE WITHIN MY SOUL. That meant saying yes to all adventures, putting myself out there in new ways, and to stop being so damn hard on myself trying to be “perfect.”
Planning the following year’s adventures has always helped me move through the post season and winter blues. I spent endless hours working and re-working my training plan for the year. I even put myself out there and invited myself along to Tina’s Grand Canyon trip. I was chatting with her about upcoming race goals and she mentioned the trip. I immediately jumped on that opportunity inviting myself along for the adventure. We hoped to line it up for April but quickly realized the South Rim would not be open yet and opted for an early June attempt at the Rim-to-Rim. From there I thought, what race would teach me the most at this point in my ultrarunning career. I knew that I really enjoyed the mountain atmosphere at Speedgoat in Utah and the challenge of that elevation change for that course. I had watched Sage Canaday’s youtube all year and saw that he raced the Minotaur in 2023. At the time it peaked my interest being one of the only SKYRACES in North America. Skyraces are trail runs on steriods, usually including steep elevations, altitudes, exposure, technical footing and even a little bit of rock climbing. I also like to put something on the calender that scares me. I need to feel the urge to train every week to truly get the best out of myself. So it was decided, June 2024 I would run the Rim-to-Rim Grand canyon then quickly switch into mountain mode and run Minotaur 33.5km race.
The last race to be penciled in was Squamish. For 2023 Squamish had been given the rights as host of the 2023 and 2024 Canadian Trail championships. With my new found confidence on the trails, I know in my heart that I have the talent and ability to make a Canadian Mountain Running Team. The championships are used as selection criteria for such teams, top 2 placers per event category per gender. I knew with a big expensive trip to Utah that it was out of the question for 2023. But for 2024… nothing was on the calender past June. I set a reminder about the registration in my phone just in case. As november rolled around, the day came. I saw the reminder pop up and happened to have time to kill at work between patients. I opened the page with low expectations as previously when I raced Squamish I got stuck doing the 50miler because the 50km sold out instantly. There it was, a sign from the universe. 15 spots remained in the 50km. At that point I acted on pure impulse. After all, I agreed to light that fire right? I grabbed a spot and contemplated how I would tell my husband after previously saying I would only go on one bigger trip this year; which was Minotaur in Alberta. Him being an elite runner himself, Josh knew it was important for me to test my legs at a Canadian Championships and was on board right away.
ROAD RACING/ WINTER BUILD
One major blessing is having a good group of running partners to link back up with every winter. My main partner in crime, Mitch Free, always entices me to come back to the roads every winter for speedwork and frostbite. He inspires me so greatly balancing a busy family life, running at an elite masters level and coaching others to be their best, all with a smile on his face. Mitch never complains, even when he has an injury he pushes through with metronome pacing and the most intelligent racing and training plans that I have ever seen.
It has been bittersweet the past few years to come back to this style of training. I can simultaneously see how much I’ve developed as a runner through ultramarathon training in terms of better pacing, endurance, and durability. Yet, it can also feel like I’m a shell of myself not being able to hit paces that I previously would have with my road speed. This year, I let go of any expectation for workouts and just ran hard. In November, we started back into formal training meeting every saturday for a longrun with tempo work included. I quickly surprised myself with my paces getting back under 4min/km for long duration tempos. And since I promised myself I would say yes to everything, before I knew it I was thrown back into my old road racing mindset and decided to put a few races on the calendar.
At first, I only added the Chilly Half Marathon. I thought this made sense within my training plan; as that would be the week that I finally finished base season and could move into formal trail training for the year. It is important to note that in the darkest corners of my mind, I have feared that I will lose my love for trail racing. Partly this was because of how much I started to detest road racing in 2020 (to the point where I wanted to quit the sport). I have been so inspired and truly the best version of myself with trail racing and I didn’t want to ruin that. So, from that place of insecurity I chose to sign up for Chilly Half and Refridgee-eighter road races in order to avoid starting trails “too early.”
I didn’t think much of it at the time but as soon as I raced Refridgee-eighter on February 11th, I realized that I was forcing things that had worked in the past into my life. When you try to repeat things of the past it doesn’t work, the magic is gone. I’ve spoke about the fallacy of memory in the past describing the disparity between our memories and reality. I’ve run really fast in the past and placed very well… of course I want to relive that! But in reality, I spent a lot of time during my road racing overthinking, being anxious and showing such a lack of self-belief in my potential. In reality… trail T is so much more confident, focused, and willing to get the most out of herself.
So how did those races go exactly?
REFRIDGEE-EIGHTER 8 MILE RACE
At the start of February I jumped into RunWaterloo’s 8 mile race in Cambridge. This course has changed every year so I had hoped that this would help curb my expectations of myself. With my most recent long run workouts, I told Mitch that I believed I would run around 4:00/km. Did I mention how much I’ve learned about pacing from ultras? For once, I was dead on accurate knowing my current fitness level. I finished in 51 minutes which was within a minute of what I’ve run in previous years (on a different course albeit).
There I was racing a race that I have done many times, coming off winter training that I’ve done many times… it all felt so similar yet starkly different. During the race instead of getting mad at the 2 girls in front of me, Jessica and her training partner, I worked with them and launched myself into meaningful conversations about the upcoming season and race goals. As they pulled away from me, I was at peace that I was running my race plan and they were in fact fitter than I on that day. I came away from that race satisfied, placing 3rd female overall.
…Then the self doubt creeped back in. The following weekend I bailed on an important long run saying I was “sick.” I couldn’t shake the knowledge that refridgee-eigther was always a good testimate to fitness and that whatever that I could hold for the 8 miler would likely by my chilly half marathon pace. 3:58/km pace. There it was in black and white, my potential, all wrapped up in a pretty bow. I did the mental math… this meant I was on track to run a 1:23:xx. This hit me like a bundle of bricks. I had been feeling on top of the world, feeling like I was in the best shape of my life yet simultaneously knowing I have been in 1:19 shape previously. Being 4 minutes off my personal best was not my idea of lighting the fire. If anything, that felt like it was going to put it out.
I desperately reached out to Mitch for advice with two polarizing options:
- Race the half and get over myself. Realize that the time means nothing and just go out for a good run/ workout.
- Skip the race and protect the ego. I feared that racing and seeing that time would completely unravel my self confidence that I spent so hard building back up on the trails and through the winter blues.
Mitch agreed with both versions, it could be good for me but, I should back out if there was any chance that this would negatively impact me before I even launching this trail season. It took a bit but, I knew, the seed of self doubt had already been planted and I couldn’t afford to let that grow.
Race #2: Chilly Half Marathon. Scratch that.
TRAIL SEASON/ BUILD
Into March and onwards to the start of trail season. Ontario’s winter was milder than ever which meant that I hadn’t really lost access to the trails. This was a godsend for my mental health and I was inspired to keep working hard on my technical running abilities all winter long. I clicked off each week while continuing to stay up on my speed sessions with my buddy Mike Thornton. I promised myself when I created this year’s training plan that I would leave no stone unturned. I would do all the little things and the big blocks of training too to give myself the best shot at podiums or high finishes for this year’s 2 big trail races (Minotaur, Squamish).
You have to understand that I had completely cut any workout out that didn’t involve hill repeats in my trail builds because of the chronic panic-like attacks that I experienced in the past while training for the roads. I promised myself that I could handle doing speedwork again, especially because time/pace at this point meant absolutely nothing. I’m walking half the time for christ’s sake. So with this mindset I proceeded and went back to running workouts by effort, which worked very well. I also added uphill treadmills to help me get the sustained climbing stimulus that is impossible to get in Ontario compared to the mountains. This also was such a blessing in my training and quickly became a weekly staple.
Now my engines were locked and loaded and my glutes ready to power on.
A NEW CHAPTER – YOUTUBE
In December 2023 I started my own YouTube channel to share my journey and really to just upload some of the epic footage that my 360 camera has captured. Instagram felt so limiting, with 1-1.5 minute duration for reels and the limited attention span that came with that. At first, I wasn’t sure the story that I was telling. As I stumbled my way through my first video blog (VLOG), I started to find my voice and my story. At first it was rough, editing was awkward, I made mistakes leaving black screens between clips, and I absolutely detested hearing myself speak. I thought my voice sounded so stupid and hated any mistakes in the words that I spoke. This definitely came from a place of insecurity, growing up with a speech impediment and having many people over the years continue to point the errors in my speech. I even started to find words that I would avoid entirely. Still, I pushed on and kept creating content knowing that the only way to improve was to practice.
It has become an incredibly fulfilling journey to document my life as it has passed through weekly vlogs. I’ve been able to find joy in every training week while also digging for deeper meaning in that training. It has helped me accept my own quirks and even my voice. It is really important for me to keep this channel authentic so that it does not become a job but rather an outlet for creativity and expresssion.
BACK TO TRAINING
I could go over piece by piece the training leading up to my first trail race of the season but, I would rather you go experience that journey for yourself over on my YouTube. I am so incredibly proud of that content and couldn’t say it any better myself in written form.
There, I also recap an unfortunate ankle sprain that happened during this build as well. I was devastated intially but, quickly was able to return to training – crisis averted.
SULPHUR SPRINGS 20KM RACE
This race in Ancaster, ON has also been on the calendar each and every ultra build. In fact, it was going to be my first EVER ultra distance race back in 2020. I was signed up and everything. Until the world imploded.
The past 2 years I have raced the 50km distance with much success, setting the female’s course record not only once, but, twice. This year, sulphur was 4 weeks out from Minotaur. I decided that the 50km distance was too close to be able to fully recover from. And besides, I said that I was leaving no stones unturned for my training this year. This meant working on my speed. So, there was no better option than running the 20km distance. I had a loose goal of chasing the female’s course record of 1:29 but, that would depend on conditions.
On May 26th, 2024 we were off! Hammering down Martin road hill at sub 4min per/km before dialing it back into goal race pace of sub 4:28/km pace. I actually was hammering at 4:15s for quite a while and feeling decent. One hilarious side story from this race is the audacity of a man to stick their nose and words where they are not wanted. Within 2 kilometers into the race, as I flew past a group of men on the first uphill (uphill treadmill for the WIN!), one of the men say, “have you done this before…” as if to say you’re going out way to hard there’s no way you should be up here. I laughed and simply responded, “yeah I have the 50km course record and am going for the 20km today.” I steadied my pace and that was the last time I saw him. Guys always hate getting “chicked” and I am so happy every time I can do so. Putting those little negative men in their place is always the icing on the cake. I think that definitely stems back to teenage T who could beat every guy in pullup contests during gym class with my epic upper body strength from gymnastics.
As I ran past K2, my favourite training hill, I was sad that I couldn’t add that elevation to my run that day as it was off course. “I’ll be back K2, I’ll be back,” I thought. I was only a few strides behind one of the top men (who I would come to know better later), Rhys Desmond. I made it a hard effort to cheer for every single 100miler who had been out there for more than 24 hours. I was amazed that I had the oxygen to both cheer and run hard. In my mind, I knew the karma from my positive cheers would come back to me ten fold later in the race. Unfortunately, shortly after this point, we reached the first major downhill which was a mud pit, as that section always is. At this point, I started to lose my overall pace and realized that today was likely not going to be record pace. Still, I pushed hard promising myself that I would give every inch of myself to feel the pain that I would inevitably be feeling later this year in Minotaur. I crushed every uphill, fighting that ingrained urge to powerhike at each.
At the half way point, I saw that my average was 4:35/km. This wasn’t crazy far off of 4:28/k but I knew it was over. There was no way to make up that much time on tired legs plus up Martin road to finish. Right at that point too I hit the muddiest section of the day where Tina had pulled a hamstring the previous day. I knew that I could not put myself in the position to hurt myself just for a few seconds when I already had lost the record. Through this 3km section I focused on rolling strong at tempo effort but was careful with sharp turns and on the downhills. At this point I noticed one of the men tailing me, or rather pacing off me.
We headed off to the final section of the course over to the three sisters, a section of rolling uphills then a net downhill section to the finish (minus the final climb up Martin Road). I felt strong through this section and visualized all of my training runs and tempo runs that I had done through here during my training block. Just at the top of the hills, that 3rd place male finally passed me and was gone. I chased him down the hills but he definitely picked up the pace. I struggled in the final 5km section as the 10km race had just started and were cutting me off left, right, and center. Like come on, at least pick a side! At the bottom of Martin road I saw that course record leave my watch. It was settled, no course record for me I thought. But damn, that was a blast trying.
I finished 1st overall female and 4th in the entire race in 1hr 31 minutes. I greeted Josh and Rob at the finish line and told them how hard I had pushed. In the end, I was so incredibly proud of my effort. Clearly, not pushing into road racing at the start of this season was the right call. I maintained that ever so fragile self confidence nurturing the mindset that anything was possible. Of course it would be so hard to set that record in the mud knowing that the year it was run was completely dry. But still, I believed I could do anything. I know that if I hadn’t missed those few important speed weeks due to my ankle sprain I probably could have still hit that record on the day.
We had an hour and a half to kill before the awards. Rob had introduced me earlier that day to Rhys who went on to have his own epic battle with not only the course but his competitors too. He has his own epic story to tell on his blog. We decided to add on some mileage for the day and cool down together. An hour later, we realized that we shared so many interests and race goals. From that cooldown, a great friendship was born.
There’s so much more that has already happened in those short 3 weeks since sulphur springs including a trip to Arizona. But, that’s for another blog.
Be sure to check out my YouTube for some epic views and detailed training as I head into Minotaur Skyrace in only 11 short days.
As always, GRIND ON.
Tanis Bolton 