You know, that time of year where darkness follows you in both the physical and literal sense. November is always dark and gloomy in Southern Ontario, pair that with the daylight savings time, and voila… seasonal depression. Quite the juxtaposition with it being “the most wonderful time of the year” according to every Christmas song ever. I definitely have a genetic predisposition towards seasonal affective disorder (S.A.D.) which is generally managed well through my running. However, this November has been especially hard after picking up a hamstring injury at the end of September. Some days, it feels like I’m struggling with this injury, while other days, I feel like I’m managing it. What’s the difference? Well, struggling implies that I’m a victim to this, that I have no control over it… and yeah when my mind is in a dark place, I do feel that way. But, other days, when the sun breaks through, I can see the leaps and bounds that I have made towards being healthy again.

It’s interesting that I can look back on this blog and see multiple times I have made this same post… that post about feeling depressed and struggling through the winter. It’s not a coincidence that usually that lines up with a large gap between race seasons. I had hoped that signing up for Black Canyons in February would help lessen then blow that is S.A.D. but, then I picked up this hamstring injury.

I’ve been leaning on music to get me through this rough patch, and “NF – Happy” has been on repeat.

“I don’t know why, but I feel more comfortable
Livin’ in my agony
Watchin’ my self-esteem
Go up in flames, acting like I don’t
Care what anyone else thinks
When I know truthfully
That that’s the furthest thing from how I
Feel, but I’m too proud to open up and ask ya
To pick me up and pull me out this hole I’m trapped in
The truth is I need help, but I just can’t imagine
Who I’d be if I was happy”

It’s so easy to feel isolated during this time of year. In reality, most people are struggling with the darkness and if you reach out to others you realize pretty quickly that everyone can relate. Luckily, there are other skillsets that I have been able to lean on this time around.

As some of you know, I have been working with a sports psychologist, Erin Teschuk, since September. This has been so timely for me, helping me at my lowest point of the year and in addition to this injury. We began with sport specific mental skills training such as goal setting and alter ego… all those fun and shiny objectives. But, the more we progressed, the more we turned our attention to the low hanging fruit, those mental skill exercises that are pervasive in every day life, not just in sport. These skills being: gratitude, mindfulness, non-judgmental thoughts, setting intentions for the day, and leaning into curiosity as a growth mindset.

Let’s take this injury for example. What would a non-judgmental mindset look like?

• What are the upsides to the BAD or being injured? more recovered, a chance to build resilience, less pressure for performance, increased focus on internal goals or rewards, more time for other things in life, and remembering that my happiness doesn’t need to solely depend on running.
• What are the downsides to “GOOD” or never getting injured? It may lead to higher expectations or pressure about performance, less opportunities to build resilience, more likely for overtraining/ burnout
• Neutral/ Non-judgmental mindset: embracing complexity and the unknown, seeing there are different ways to be successful, and being curious about the future.

It’s easy to label everything as black and white, good and bad. Rather there are in-betweens, ways in which even something bad can be good and something good for us can ultimately be bad for us. So I could see injury as being either a good or a bad thing. The injury just is what it is; putting a label on it does me no good. It’s what I do with what I’m given that matters.

That brings us back to present day. I had my first long run in over a month last weekend which gave me the much needed time to contemplate running and life. That’s where the curiosity breakthrough happened. I thought, “What if for once, I show up to a race 100% mentally ready instead of physically?” I have always excelled at the physical work, grinding each day, forcing myself out of the door in the snow and rain to put in the work. But, honestly, I never put in the mental work. Accepting and sitting with my feelings made me uncomfortable. How do I fight off those feelings of not feeling enough? That everyone else is better than me? That’s where mindfulness comes in.

I always understood the principle of mindfulness – focusing on the present. But, that’s harder to do when your mind starts to turn negative on you. So, Erin and I have been working on setting intentions for each day and each run so that I can say I showed up for myself in the way I intended. So that way I can feel productive each day, since right now I can’t check off those epic workouts that stroke the ego. Am I showing up how I want to today? Am I giving myself the gift of enjoying the run or am I worrying about future things?

Mindfulness is taking that deep breath to bring you back to the current moment; knowing that you may have wandering thoughts but, learning how to be non-judgmental about those thoughts. Having a strong purpose and intention helps focus the mind, like a beacon in the distance. Your thoughts may wander but, there’s something to always come back to.

So why not apply the non-judgmental thought process to the November blues?

• What could be the upside to a depressing time of year? Appreciation for the sunshine, a noticeable change in season, a reset opportunity for habits and routines, cozy home and more time to watch movies.

• What would be a downside to always being “nice out” or “never feeling depressed?” Without the lows, we can’t appreciate the highs.

• Neutral/Non-judgmental response: I have no control over the weather but I do have control over what I do in response to it. How does it make a difference really whether it’s sunny out or not? I can still accomplish what I need to in that day. After all, isn’t the sunshine hiding just beyond those clouds?

The goal is not blind optimism but, rather living in a way that brings you closer to your values and purpose in life. This means not running from but, rather accepting the “bad” things in life. This leaves room for unsuspected upside of bad.

So while I know you are probably struggling in the darkness like me, I hope this gives you some food for thought. Or rather, neutrality for thought. As always, grind on.