Just shy of 1 year ago I wrote one of the most heartbreaking race recaps of my life.

“In my self-pity I rethought my whole training block… my whole life. What am I doing out here. What kind of lala land was I living in to ever think I could be top 3. I already was second guessing my plans for next year – would it even be a smart idea to race the canadian championships again (at QMT)? Would I crack under the pressure…again? Would I completely ruin my love for trail racing. I didn’t want to ever race again. I didn’t want to exist.”

This exerpt from my Squamish 50k/ Canadian Championships post was the raw post-race feelings after a disappointing 17th place finish. I had a lot of great reactions to this blog as it was real and authentic. I remember reflecting on the thought that if I had written that blog a few days later, I would have had a completely different reflection on the day. I did belong there, I did love trail running… I just had a mediocre performance.

After the championships last year I was scared. Not of poor performance, but of ruining my love of the sport. In 2020 I hit a severe case of burnout due to my Master in Physiotherapy program on top of COVID on top of years of grinding road racing and chasing PBs. I had almost quit the sport entirely. I did not run a step for 3 months. So when I say I was scared, I was scared of losing my passion and scared of starting the crescendo of self-doubt that would eventually ruin my enjoyment of the sport.

“Something’s gotta change,” I thought. That’s where Erin came in. I did a quick websearch for sport pyschologists in Canada and CEP Mindset came up. I set up an initial intake interview where the office staff mentioned that Erin Teschuk would be the perfect fit for me. Erin Teschuk is a mental skills coach/ sports psychologist who is also an olympian on the track. In our first meeting I told her my fears and we started creating the framework to build a stronger, more resilient athlete. I included a break down of the things we worked on in my previous blog.

Now, it’s important to note that adding sports psych wasn’t some magic bullet. There were still many days where I struggled. Leading into Black Canyon 50k in February I had many sessions with Erin where I struggled in my training and with my negative thoughts about my hamstring. We leaned in to setting “intentions” and “gratitude” before every key session as well as diving deep into the narratives that I tell myself. Black Canyon itself was my first ever struggle with my gut, throwing up 6 times between the final aid station and the finish. Even though that seemed on the outside to be a disappointment, I was inheritely satisfied with my effort and my mental resilience on that day. Proud of finishing on what was a very hard day in the office, I focused on the adventures ahead that were hiking around Sedona and visiting my favourite place on earth, Arizona.

When I raced Pick Your Poison (PYP) 25k in April, I was in a good headspace as we worked through those narratives that included: am I elite enough, I’m running out of time, and what if I never become the kind of runner I want to be. As we worked through them, these flipped to: what even is elite, I do belong here, and how can I be the best runner I can NOW with my current life circumstances versus be “x” good.

I felt so powerful at PYP, like I could do anything this year. Then in the weeks that followed I was exhausted. I struggled through my training and workouts. I was frustrated when I didn’t hit the paces I knew my legs could hit. But, here’s where the problem lay. After PYP I started getting in my own way. I threw my training plan out to my friends searching for feedback, worried that it wasn’t perfect. I second guessed how much speedwork I was doing and thought that maybe I was running on the trails too much. I started to change the things that have worked so well for me in the past 4 years of ultrarunning in fear that I might “ruin” my opportunity at greatness at QMT.

By the time Sulphur Springs race came around, I was miserable. I was starting to hate every single wednesday again, as I did at the end of my road racing training, as wednesday’s meant “speedwork.” I was running intervals at paces I can do tempos in. I stood on the startline of Sulphur 50k wondering why I even there. I struggled through 4 hours of cramping to miss my own course record by 3 minutes barely hanging onto the lead for the win. I was immensely dissatisfied post-race. I had a negative spiral of thoughts including the overpowering one that I didn’t matter in this sport.

At this point, I had spaced out my sports pysch sessions because I was doing so well. I didn’t want to move up my next appointment just yet to sort through these feelings. Instead, I took a breath to reflect on why I was feeling this way. In the two week’s time between Sulphur and my next sports psych session I did a lot of soul searching. That’s when it hit me, IT’S ME, HI, I’M THE PROBLEM IT’S ME. My life had become a Taylor Swift song. All of these so called problems that I was having were of my own doing. I started falling back into old and unhelpful narratives and patterns. I realized that I was SUCKING THE JOY out of my own training and that was having instant impact on my psyche.

There are so many ways that you can train for running in general that can have very similar results. I learned this the hard way back in University where all we ever did was speedwork; which just put me in a hole and I ran slower than ever while running for the varsity team at Windsor. I REALLY hated those workouts, so much so that I quit the team with another 2 years of eligibility left. From there I did my own thing during final 2 years of my undergrad/ teaching degree and switched to the roads.

I’ve always seen two main buckets of training theory:

1. Those who respond well to speedwork – Low volume/ mileage, high intensity
2. Those who respond well to volume – High mileage, low intensity

When I quit the team, I leaned into the high volume school of thought. So much so that I ran an 18minute 5k, which at the time was a 2 minute personal best, off of purely mileage alone.. zero workouts.

So obviously I’ve always been someone who runs well off of putting in the hours on my feet but keeping the intensity low. I secretly always loved the once a runner vibes of seeking out mileage over speedwork. It shouldn’t be much surprise then that this spring when I randomly decided I HAD to do speedwork in order to have any chance at doing well at QMT that that’s when things started to unwravel.

All that to say, I got too far away from what works for ME. I’m so proud of what I’ve done so far on the trails and yes I do want to improve and really see what I have. But, going back on the very things that have gotten me to this point is not the way.

At my final sports psych session before QMT with Erin I described this journey to her. How I was miserable and through my reflection realized I was sucking the joy out of my training by forcing this speedwork and listening too much to other’s input about what I should add to my training. I told her that I was looking for some “perfect” training plan when I know there is no such thing. I knew that the only way that I was going to do my best is to do what works for ME. We also went over the fact that I didn’t have a strong WHY for Sulphur and that’s what really made me struggle. Instead, we focused on the big wins from that day; I had strong local competition for once and I didn’t fold to the pressure, I fought through 4 hours of leg cramps and still was so close to my record, I didn’t reinjure my hamstring.. the list goes on.

Erin asked what my goals/ thoughts were going into QMT. I listed them off:

• Practice that neutral mindset – the race won’t be good or bad, but rather parts will be good and parts will be bad. I wasn’t going to label it one thing.
• Run my own race – focus on looking after myself and do what I can and I will be happy with that
• Stay present
• Stay curious – what could I do today? Avoiding any early judgements on whether the race is going well or not
• Show up – Ask myself continously, am I showing up for myself in the way I deserve
• No placing goals but an approximate time goal. I knew, no matter what I will do better than 17th place that was last year.

Fast forward to the week before QMT, I let my body fully taper but kept my mind sharp.

• I wrote a full page of positive self-talk that I would say during the race including, “I am so proud of you, that was so good you killed that section, this is supposed to be hard, I trust my training,” and most importantly, “YOU BELONG HERE, THIS IS WHERE YOU’RE MEANT TO BE.”
• One big thing I learned from Erin was that it’s not enough just to say what you don’t want to focus on or things you want to avoid; you need to know what you should be focused on or doing instead. So, I made a list of the things I can control: focus on effort on terrain, trust my instincts, keep eating and drinking, stay present – find 3 cool things around you/ favourite part of this section, don’t make problems bigger than they are.
• I wrote out another full page of WHY RACE and WHY QMT

My biggest why was to rewrite the narrative that I don’t do well at Canadian Championships… that I will fold under the pressure of bigger races. That became my ultimate goal, to prove to myself that I can do it. I own my own story, I choose what plays out. They can try to beat me but, they will have to be one tough son-of-a-bitch to do so.

PRE RACE

I headed to Quebec on Thursday July 3rd with my friends and crew Josh, Tyler and Evan. The 10hour drive went by surprisingly fast and I was thankful to have my friends there to help distract me from the pre-race nerves. Like I said, I had no place goal for the championships. A big takeaway from my sessions with Erin was discovering what things motivated me versus what things sabotaged me. For me, having a hard place goal doesn’t motivate me, it just makes me anxious. After all, regardless of my place goal I’m still going to train as hard as possible for the race and run as hard as I can that day. So, having a place goal can only HURT me as I often get worked up when too many people pass me and I’m out of my place goal. Instead, I leaned into the adventure side of the trip.

We arrived late afternoon on Thursday and I laced up my shoes and headed straight to recon the final section of the course. I wanted to orient myself with the course markings and visit the most epic waterfall that runs alongside the course. Descending then ascending 200+ steps was probably not the smartest idea 2 days before the race but it was so worth it for these views.

My calves were pretty sore the next day which was concerning. But, after the muscle cramping at Sulphur and throwing up at Black Canyon, I knew I could deal with anything the day was going to throw at me. I did a final shakeout of 20 minutes the day before the race and went to check out the expo and finish line, continining my course recon for the final section. I felt at peace knowing the finish route.

Later that day I went rainman on the pre-race prep for the crew. I had every single bag labelled and organized with insane precision.

• A main bag: Gels in 2 ziplock bags further divided up into ziplock sandwhich bags for labelled by each aid station, water bottle swaps including and extra bottle for the middle longer section, backup tums, backup salt tablets, a first aid kit with bandaids and taping
• This year I added a flask of coca cola to the mix for possibly both aid stations
• A red bag: shoe change, new socks, towels, lube and new headphones for the 2nd crew station
• A cooler: pedialyte freezies + scissors, ice bandana filled and ready to go, extra ice for hat and body
• Ziplock of salty snacks: just incase my stomach needed something else, especially later in the day

I had every possible scenario planned out in my head and prepped for. I used the things that I struggled with in any of my previous ultras to help me learn what I could do to prevent them. I had a plan for any nausea, blisters, dehydration or heat that the day could throw at me.

THE RACE – Saturday July 5

A 5am start meant an early morning as we set off on our 45minute drive to the startline. It was mind-boggling to back track from the finish as it started to sink in just how far 80 kilometers was. Race morning the vibes were electric with the most beautiful sunrise that greeted us as we set off from the pier of the quaint little town of Petite-Rivière-Saint-François. I found two other local Ontario runners Paul and Jeremy on the start line which gave me peace.

Start-15km

The gun went off and found us trickling away down the roads for a few kilometers before turning into the trail to start the biggest climbs of the day. The lead pack of 7 women were out ahead of me but I promised to run my own race and that’s what I did. I glanced at my pace of 4:14/k and thought, “I can do this for a full road marathon so this is an appropriate pace,” versus the sub 3:45/k pace that the women ahead of me were out in. I wasn’t concerned with the gap that was already created. I was used to that. I knew with it being the Canadian championships that some women were going to possibly go out too hard and blow up and that I was not going to be one of them. My mindset was, if they come back to me cool, if not, they are great runners and that doesn’t take away from my performance, I am great too.

The first 15km was the hardest section for me. I find it takes me an hour to really warmup on the trails, even in longruns. My footing was still finding it’s way and the climbs were relentless. We covered 950m of elevation (26% of the day’s total) in that first section. I couldn’t help but feel a bit hot at 17 degrees plus humidity. I focused on my controllables, looking after my nutrition and hydration needs. I zoned in my own effort on each climb knowing that I was definitely in the top 10 gave me an extra boost to just settle in and do my own thing, not to worry about who’s ahead or behind me. I thought about my friend Mitch who coached me for Black Canyon. I told him that I would get us vengence for my unfortunate luck at BC. So anytime things felt hard, I told myself that I needed to do this for Mitch. Some thoughts of just how far 80k is crossed my mind, but I praticed my new mental skill of neutrality and decided to just worry about one aid station at a time.

No wonder that area is called “Le Massif”… those climbs were massive. Even reflecting on it, I can’t remember much about this section as I must have blocked that out. I think my legs were so-so, didn’t feel bad but didn’t feel amazing either. I reached my first aid station at 1hr48 which was crewed albeit a bit grumpy from the relentless climbs. I had penciled in 1:45-2hr to reach this aid station so I knew I was on track. My beautiful-mind-like preparations paid off as the crew had everything ready to go so I could quickly swap my bottles, grab my gels in the order I needed keeping some up front of my vest while packing others away. I had options for food which I didn’t need yet. I did take advantage of the freezies to get electrolytes and cool my body temp off + ice for my hat which lasted a surprisingly long time. I took 1.5L of fluids (500ml with Skratch) with me.

15km – 28.5km

After I left the crew, we had a nice open jeep trail for several kilometers that I could open my legs up on. The road runner in me lived on. After dedicating that last section to Mitch, I decided that I would pick one person in my life who inspires me for each section. This section would by my athlete Steph Weir. My first trail athlete that I had been coaching all year who absolutely nailed her training only to find her goal race, Minotaur, be cancelled 2 days beforehand. I thought about how badly she wished she would have been able to race so I couldn’t waste my chance. I also reflected on black canyon’s experience of being unable to run any section once I started throwing up. So I knew that I needed to absolutely crush this section as it was relatively flat at +400m gain over 13.5 compared to that Massif that I had just climbed. Again, I was so focused at this point that I don’t have strong memories of this section of the course. I remember going under and over a lot of downed trees which made me laugh at what serves as a “trail” in Quebec compared to our perfectly groomed trails in Ontario. Oh and giant men! All I remember is very tall men and their excessively long hiking poles passing me throughout this section. One nice guy asked me my name as we winded through the trails and I told him. I asked for his name, he said Nicholas. And all I responded with was, “that’s very french of you.” Haha WHY! So rude of me but it was funny. Clearly, I was in good spirits. I really didn’t notice any of the hills in this section, it was so runnable. It gave me confidence that my training plan was in fact perfect as I had finally improved my uphill running again.

28.5 – 42.5km

At the second (28k) aid station I did a quick look at the table snacks to see if I wanted anything besides my gels. I reached this at 3hr23 right on target for my penciled 3:15-3:30hr. I refilled my front bottles from the 1L I drank and still had my back “back-up” bottle filled from the last crew so I didn’t need to fill that. I started out of the aid before I thought, “Oh I should wet my head.” I turned back into the aid to look for a water bucket for cooling. After a brief second of searching to no avail, I gave up and continued onwards. The next section was very momentum killing. There was a lot of very technical trails mixed in with less technical but completely caked in mud trails. I knew that I had just over 600m of vert for this section so I didn’t worry too much about being able to do that after what I went through in the first section. I decided to dedicate this section to my friend Carolyn who inspires me every day with the struggles she has to go through in life, yet, is so kind and caring and always worried about how I’m doing. Her life felt like a never ending marathon of struggles to me, so I would run a marathon for her. Anytime this section started to drag I reminded myself of her and told myself I would keep pushing forwards no matter what was in front of me. There was a pretty fun technical downhill section that I rocked telling myself that I was gapping any women that were behind me.

42.5 – 57km

I rolled out of that section into the Cap Gribane aid station at 42.5km in 5hr43. I had an approximate goal of reaching this aid by 5.5 hours so I knew I was doing well in order to finish in 11 something hours. To my surpise, another female came in just behind me. I filled my bottles quickly and again realized unless I wanted to use the drinking water, there was no other area to dunk my head in. I didn’t dwell but instead adapted and decided that I would just wet my hat in the endless streams that were likely ahead of me on the course. I zipped out of the aid with a handful of chips and powerhiked my way along the next uphill section. I dedicated this section to my brother Drake who was back home taking his tests to hopefully get an interview to become a firefighter in Brantford. He was supposed to join us on this trip and I thought about his sacrifices he has made to try to get a career that he will love. Also, he had stayed home and watched our dog Guinness for us which was so helpful because without him, I would have had to worry about her the whole time with a stranger.

At some point I picked up a male runner named Rory who was from Colorado. He kept me company for well over an hour. We joked about the state of the trails in Quebec and I told him I had to keep hammering as I know there was a girl just behind me. We laughed together as we came up on a sign that said “danger” which ended up being a straight drop off of topsoil that we had to get down, as I slid down on my stomach slicing my forearm open in the process.

The entire day I created this habit of forcing the men coming up on me to stay behind me as long as possible. Until they asked me to move I would stay infront because I knew from my years of training that I always get a better push when I’m the one in the front of the pack vs trailing behind someone. So I was more than happy to sit in front of Rory for an hour and have him trail behind me, keeping me pushing the pace. At about 50k I caught wind of the female behind me, making up grounds. I tried to hold her off as long as possible. “See, I told you,” I proclaimed to Rory. She looked so strong and I was unconcerned as she started to gap me because I was too worried about my own pace and just focused on what felt right to me. I was hitting a bit of a low patch, my body telling me OK you’ve done 50k now, isn’t this where you usually stop? I was sad to lose Rory and that female but I knew anytime now I would be seeing Josh and my crew. “I’m coming Josh!” I kept saying over and over. The race actually added a surprise mini-aid station at 52km of just water which really came in handy as I had just finished off my 1.5L. I refilled with another 1L and kept grinding.

Now this section really started to wear on me. I had penciled in 7.5-8hours to reach the next crew point and I knew they were waiting for me. This by far was the slowest section of the day at 11min/k pace. It didn’t seem terrible, but time was moving in slow motion. I would check my watch and would have only covered 500m in what felt like an eternity. It was extremely muddy in this section which is probably what made it so incredibly slow. Earlier in the day I could work my way around the outsides or over a few rocks to keep my feet out of the mud. Now I had to splash through it as the sections were just too large. Think 100s of meters of mud patches. I laughed to myself deciding that I would tell my crew a joke about Shrek just like I had post La Harricana 2 years ago. Quebec really loves their mud.

Thankfully, Paul came into the aid well before me and told Josh that I would be at least and hour longer than expected as that section was bad this year. He was right. In I came at 8hr25min into Saint-Tite-des Caps after struggling for my life to get through the stream crossing right beforehand. No one laughed at my Shrek joke but they did go full nascar mode. Tyler iced my with my frozen sponge I packed, Evan handed my freezies and went full Youtuber mode capturing the best shots of the day, and Josh handled the main exchanges as he has become so efficient at. We reloaded me with 1.5L, coke, gels, ice bandana this time, ice in my hat, and baggies of chips and salty snacks. The most important but new to me change that day was a brand new pair of shoes and socks. This was a godsend as my feet had been wet with mud all day long and already starting to look like what I can only imagine is trenchfoot. I got up and walked steadily out of the aid station after grabbing a few pieces of watermelon for the road. I was happy and ready to crush the last 23km of this race.

57 – 68km

From my course recon on Youtube I knew that I had a road section ahead of me and looked forward to a break from the rocks and roots that litered the trails here. I walked for probably the first 500m but quickly saw the nice gradual uphill road ahead and decided to jog it out. I smiled as I passed an enthuisastic group cheering on their front lawn sprinkler included. We followed the road for quite a while including wierd grassy singletrack beside the highway above. I focused hard on picking up my pace here as I knew the rocky boulders that lie ahead. I kept my feet dry for so long which made me happy, even going out of my way to avoid the mud this time around as the mud patches were narrower and farther between. I sipped on my coca cola and ate my chips. I was a happy little camper.

I dedicated this section to my husband Josh. I was so appreciative of all his support for my crazy ideas in doing these ultras. He also amazes me with his own resilience, as life seems to hand him one bad thing after another lately but he just keeps getting back up again. With his chronic achilles issues, he hasn’t been able to race since 2019. “I would race for the both of us,” I decided.

The last 5 kilometers of this section really surprised me. “This is an extended Mestachibo,” I exclaimed in both horror and excitement. Mestachibo is the most iconic trail section of QMT. In fact, it is the reason why I switched from 50k to 80k this year. I had signed up for 50k initially and then with my disappoinment in Squamish I realized that I did not want to compete with the women sprinting through Mestachibo at the Canadian Champs for the 50k as it would fall in the first 10k. Instead if I did the 80k, it would be the final 10k and I could run through this section in peace without any conga lines this time (compared to 2022).

So I knew it was coming, but I thought it would start AFTER the next aid station, not BEFORE! We even crossed a bonus suspension bridge which is beyond sketchy. You know me and my irrational fear of bridges that move. It was a strange section as it was net downhill as I climbed over massive bolders that needed my arms to pull me up and over some sections of the trail.

68km – Finish 80k

Finally I rolled into the final aid station at 68k in 10hr18min. I knew that I would take about 2 hours to do this section plus the finish, so sub 12 hour finish was out at this point. But, I always carry 1 hour extra gels on me just in case so I was prepared. I was sad to see another female sitting at that aid station getting her ankle taped up. Unfortunate for her, but a good reminder to me that I’m still in the race and anything can happen. I could even move up more places, I had to keep pushing. I filled up my 1.5 L and even grabbed more coke to keep my spirits high.

Within 1-2 kilometers a female came running past me. We hit the two rope bridges and I tried to stay close to her. She definitely gapped me a bit on the bridges as I felt like I would fall over the edge and started walking on both. She never got too far out of my sights and I could see her just ahead on any of the uphill sections. The boulders of Mestachibo did not disappoint. With massive rocks that winded along the St. Lawrence riverside. I was happy that the rocks seemed less sketchy than they did a few years ago, obviously a consequence of all the crazy trail races I have done since then. They seemed a bit drier which definitely was a plus. I was starting to feel really beat up at this point and the stabby downhills were getting to me. My abs and legs would hurt against the vibrations of the landings. I had done over 3200m of vert for the day so far to be fair.

I remembered to dedicate the last section to one final person, my younger self. I smiled as I thought about all the times I never thought I was good enough, worried about what others would think. I would show myself how strong I am and that I could stand up to any challenge ahead of me.

I finally reached the section that I had ran on 2 days earlier as part of my race recon. The female ahead of me apparently went the wrong way and I saw her quickly rejoin the proper course just ahead of me. Unfortunately, she saw me too and started to sprint away. I tried my best to follow but she was very good with the technicality of the course.

I finally reached the waterfall at 77km and felt so exhausted. I yanked my way up the 200+ steps to reach the top of the waterfall, alternating which arm would pull me up the staircase, as my legs were shot. I imagined myself sprinting down the now easy peasy trails on my way to the finish. In reality I was only running 6minute k’s but, damn, I felt fast. The final stretch included another road for 500m. As soon as I turned the corner I could see her, I was catching back up to that female and she was walking. Unfortunately, her spidey senses kicked in again and she saw me coming and got back running again. In the end, we were only 25 seconds apart but DAMN that was a good battle and kept me moving in the end.

I crossed the finish line in 12hr 15 minutes. I smile as a sprinted down that final runway, proud of my efforts.

I walked over to find my crew and ask what place was I…9th! Top 10 baby. Oh wait, there was an American in the field… that means 8th Canadian Female at the Championships! I had a feeling but I never actually knew my place most of the day. I did that mental math of 7 women in front of me at the start line and it pretty much stayed like that all day other than 1-2 women mixing around places.

The funny part is I really didn’t even care about my place. I knew I ran a tough race, at the corners of my full potential and I was so happy with that. I was happy with how I turned around this season that seemed to be going awry. I focused on what made ME happy in training and what worked for ME. I did all of the hard work with my mental skills in these past 9 months and it really paid off. I now feel that I actually have control over how I feel about my race results instead of feeling that I sometimes get lucky and have a good race.

I know that I have the tools to keep improving but none of that matters unless I’m making sure to enjoy the journey. Ultimately, I rewrote that narrative that I can never do well in high-pressure races because I can. But for me to do well I now know that it doesnt serve me to chase a specific place or put the burden of expectation on myself. Instead, I know that I can focus on my efforts and showing up for myself every week regardless of how I’m feeling and just focus on one thing at a time. I know how I can prepare myself mentally as well as physically to get the most out of myself.

I am so grateful for my friends for helping me throughout this process. It’s so great to have a team behind me.

I’m looking forward to the next crazy adventure that will be Grindstone 100k on September 20th. After some much needed rest I will use this fitness to push on as I run my first ever 100km distance.

Thank you so much for following along, stay tuned for more adventures in the trails. As always, GRIND ON.